My mind is tired, filled with ideas that I thought need to be executed. So here is the thing, my spirit runs deep with me, she pulls up when I need and she’s game and very down for things that are unplanned. My spirit knows what is best for me and reminds me of all my abilities, fuerzas and gifts. She’s me, the inner me. She is and she will stay for as long as needed. As long as she is fueled with community work, laughter and fun; Ella esta presente. Pero mi cuerpito? My body? Shit, she runs deep too and will work with me throughout all of my late nights. But I took her for granted. My mind? Welp, the thing is that my mind will convince me to believe that I am doing great and all of this is worth it.
The burnout, the late nights, the rushing to create a workshop, to jump quickly to fill in the spaces and gaps in my calendar. My mind will tell me all this is is part of the mission.
Well shit. It is part of the mission of consumerism, corporate america and capitalism, and frequent expectation to keep learning or “growing”. But that is not MY mission. My mission is to experience peace, freedom, stillness, and a rest and digest nervous system; this stillness lets let me know I am close to experiencing life in alignment.
Here is one thing about alignment, is that it doesn’t tell you when you are off. YOU must slow down, stop to rest in order to be able to listen to what your mind, body, heart and spirit may try to tell you. It’s kind of like an assessment to check if you’re in alignment. I TOLD myself I was in alignment without actually slowing down. To be out of alignment is to FEEL out of yourself. Where work, demands, society, pressures are the driving force to your daily living. You are on autopilot.
For the past few months I was telling myself that I was in alignment because everything I was doing felt so fulfilling and nourishing. Pero que paso, la neta…that my heart was being filled and nourished with seeing how many people I was able to help and provide a space for, what might that also be though? I think it’s my ego. Your heart, spirit and soul is not filled by what you do, it’s filled by who you are. Doing [from the ego] is a colonizer thing. Being is for the spiritual human. hair flip.
Something I have been learning about my bodies (through indigenous Mexica teachings) is that the ego and intuition can get very enmeshed to the point where can’t tell the difference. How do I discern? This is wayyy harder than it actually is written. El punto es que I was not resting or slowing down. Burn out, and spirit and heart exhaustion is so sneaky.
I am grateful for every moment experienced during my burnouts [there’ve been several] because each one give me an insight to how I want to live and what is truly important in my life- for myself and for my loved ones.
As a first gen, children of immigrant parents, who is an intuitive and in the helping profession, serving role– I know a thing or two about working on overdrive until exhaustion. I had signs that told me I was out of alignment but I refused to feel them, I THOUGHT my way through them.”
I know that this is a cycle; many things will begin and end and begin again. I will be here again– and I am okay with that.
As a recovering academic, perfectionist seeker, I am relieved to know that I get to return to myself over and over again. For that, I am grateful.
